Graffiti Mondays No. 21

One of the tunnels leading to the Siegessäule, Berlin. Not far from ‘I LOVE WOMAN’, in fact.

A cute little Batman.

Idiotic Letters in the Metro No. 22

Never heard of a Coelacanth? You suck. What did you spend your childhood doing if you weren’t reading about dinosaurs and extinct species (not that all Coelacanths are extinct, of course)?

How many people make the decision to have or not to have children based on Sara Foss’s number of children, really? Name them, go on.

Ooh, intrigue! Seriously, why the FUCK do you care? Yours is the most unimportant question ever asked in the history of the universe.

Graffiti Mondays No. 20

Renfield Lane

Idiotic Letters in the Metro No. 21

If you liked the Stasi, you’ll love the new DNA database! I just can’t believe that, despite all evidence to the contrary, there are still people out there who profess to believe that those in authority are competent/incorruptible enough to be trusted with our DNA. And you know what? Even with this database, rape survivors will still be told that they were ‘asking for it’. Perhaps what would help even more would be for society to stop perpetuating this idea that if a woman is drinking or wearing clothes of which the Daily Mail disapproves or walking by herself instead of in a pack a man can’t be entirely to blame for not controlling himself, assaulting her and forcing his uninvited dick into her.

‘Muttering Nutter, there are a great deal many more Tories in Scotland than you might want to believe. The reason why we tend not to get as much attention as Socialists or Wee Nats is that we are well bred, have good manners and tend not to have to resort to shouty, abusive belligerence or indeed, as in your own case, threats of violence, to get our point across. And no, I am not ‘to the manor born’. I was brought up in a Glasgow high-rise.’
Dr Japes, Glasgow

Ah, those well-behaved, well-bred, mannerly Tories! This idea of Tories having almost zero political presence in Scotland as a result of Tories being shrinking violets has more than a small whiff of bullshit.

Idiotic Letters in the Metro No. 20

Of course, soldiers are never drunken idiots. As soon as someone joins the army, they become a little saint.

This is what I hear when I listen to Chris Moyles:
‘Bwwaabaaabwaaah gahhbwaahhbabwaahh bwahbwahbwaaah!’
You’re right, that is top-notch.

Well, no. You’re assuming that everyone calling for the re-introduction of National Service is a male who was eligible for National Service prior to 1960, when it was abolished. I’m guessing from the name that this does not apply to Anne from the Isle of Wight.

‘Yet another massacre in the US. When will people learn that the answer to violent crime is not to place ever more restrictions on victims? Shooting massacres of this magnitude only happen when the gunman’s victims are disarmed by the state. For example, Dunblane and Hungerford etc. The answer to rising crime is to allow ordinary people to keep and bear arms. Britain’s gun laws desperately need to be overhauled so that, at the very minimum, people can once again use self-defence as a valid reason to apply for and receive a firearms certificate. I would like to see a system where anyone in the UK, over the age of 18 and without a serious criminal record, can obtain a concealed carry permit. I read recently that gun crime had risen by nearly 90 percent since the 1997 gun ban. The reason for this is that criminals will always be able to obtain and use illegal firearms. Allow ordinary citizens to carry firearms and broken Britain’s violent crime rate will plummet within the week.’
Not a victim, Glasgow

Let’s take a deep breath here.
1. You have stated yourself that this massacre took place in the US, where people have the right to bear arms. So why are you telling us that massacres only occur when the victims aren’t allowed to have guns and complaining about gun laws in the UK?
2. I’m assuming that you’re talking about the recent shootings at a US army base, where there are plenty of guns.
3. If I’m walking down the street with a gun and somebody shoots and kills me, my possession of a gun doesn’t give me an extra life with which to get up and shoot the killer.
4. Handgun restrictions were introduced after the massacre in Dunblane.
5. Most of the victims in the Dunblane massacre were children. Are you saying that primary school children should all be armed?
6. Bans on semi-automatic rifles and shotguns were introduced after the Hungerford massacre.
7. Don’t bother talking or writing again.

‘I wondered how long it would take for a student to reply! Wow 30 hours! Try adding council tax to that too! I bet you’re one of the students who puts your £1 down, stares at the driver and doesn’t even tell him where you’re going. Or are you one of those who asks if the bus is going into town when you’ve stared at the front of the bus for ten minutes and it says Dunblane on it! Do you have to study for common sense these days? In future, be thankful that you get a bus every ten minutes especially for you – and at a discounted rate!’
Helga, Alloa

If there are buses to the town centre every ten minutes, it seems unlikely that students are standing staring at the Dunblane bus for ten minutes. You don’t have to study for ‘common sense’ these days, but you do have to study to know how to put across an argument without shrieking unfounded accusations and sounding like a hysterical thicko.

Graffiti Mondays No. 19

A Metro train, Paris

A disgruntled passenger seems to have decided to leave a comment on the service.

Idiotic Letters in the Metro No. 19

There is absoutely no evidence to suggest that the legalisation of cannabis would cause a ‘mental health meltdown’. But, you know, fuck science with its in-depth studies and genuine sources. You must be a ‘Nutty Professor’ to believe in that nonsense. Let’s just believe in good ol’ Common Sense! Get a griiip!

No, the goverment sacking advisers who criticise them is not called ‘democracy’, you absolute fucking moron. You have failed Political Theory 101. Come back when you’ve read a book.

Of course! If you’re a scientist, you can’t possibly ever leave your laboratory. David Nutt, in his research into drugs, depression and addiction, will obviously not have any education when it comes to society at large (despite having written an article on drugs and society). Only politicians (and the highly enlightened public who write in to the Metro) know anything about society. What’s that? There are ‘Social Scientists’? Who aren’t politicians? *head explodes*
Perhaps, just perhaps, we could tackle the social problems which lead to this ‘tendency to excess’ rather than sitting back and assuming that it is ‘hard-wired into our national psyche’. I wonder why our ‘expert’ politicians haven’t really succeeded in doing this?

You know, it probably wasn’t cannabis’s ‘fault’ that your brother died (I assume that’s what you mean). I’ve known plenty of alcoholics, but again, aside from addictive properties it’s not alcohol’s ‘fault’ that they feel the need to abuse that substance and live their lives in a continual state of unreality. There are far, far wider and deeper reasons and I think mentally stable people should make more of an effort to understand this rather than scapegoating everything they can think of in order to avoid facing up to the situation.

Graffiti Mondays No. 18

Queen’s Crescent, off Great Western Road

Idiotic Letters in the Metro No. 18

Okay. Because you, personally, don’t normally get your post until after 1pm this means that no postal worker in your area could possibly have an early start? Have you stopped to consider that it might take some time for the person who delivers the post to work their way around your area, or that there might be a lot of post to sort in the first place, which also takes time? No, you haven’t, because you’ve decided that you’re an automatic expert on the postal system because you receive letters sometimes.

Thanks for filing this ‘what people are holding and wearing’ report with the Metro, Del. Since when were listening to music and wearing high heels considered to be vices? Having a coffee isn’t necessarily a vice either, unless you’re caffeine-addicted. For all these people love to complain about the Nanny State and PC-gone-mad, they really do love to poke their noses into other people’s business.

Wait wait wait. According to the Terrance Higgins Trust ‘the majority of people actually diagnosed with HIV in the UK in 2007 (55%) had been infected through heterosexual sex’. They state that since 1999 there have been more diagnoses of HIV acquired through heterosexual sex than through homosexual sex. They do say that ‘the overall risk of acquiring HIV through heterosexual sex in the UK remains relatively low’ since most cases of heterosexually-transmitted HIV occur overseas and therefore gay men having sex in the UK are more vulnerable to HIV transmission, but this situation is nowhere near as black-and-white as some would make out. Surely there’s a better way of dealing with this rather than just sitting back with your complacent common sense?

‘T. Bradley, what part of Glasgow do you stay in where people actually smile? I must know! And they can speak too! Amazing. The Glaswegians I’ve seen are very primitive and nothing like these specimens you mention. Although you must come from England to call Glasgow a ‘friendly’ place. Only in England, the pit of misery, are people more torn-faced than here. Oh, yes, I just went there. Bring on the Scotland v England debate!’
ShutYerGob, Glasgow

When ShutYerGob writes that they live in Glasgow, it’s only natural to assume that they live in Glasgow, isn’t it? But something isn’t quite right…

‘I love your paper, I really do. I’m so loyal to it that I refuse to buy any other paper (this could partly be because I’m a stingey Scot), so I reckon it’s about time we award the area with the most obsessive Metro fans. I’m nominating the folk at Whitecraigs train station – even when the train doors are about to close, crazy Metro addicts (who are always late for the train, I might add) run to fetch your wonderful paper before jumping on. And yes, Whitecraigsers. This is indeed a hint. Stop delaying the flipping train.’
ShutYerGob, Glasgow

You get the train from or through Whitecraigs in the morning? But ShutYerGob, Whitecraigs isn’t in Glasgow! You don’t live here! When T. Bradley wrote about people smiling in his part of Glasgow I’m sure he meant a part of Glasgow, not a distant suburban town. I’ll tell you what, I’ll fucking smile at you when you pay some tax towards the amenities in the city that you use every day. Anyway, from the look of most Metro letters pages most of the miserable cunts you see walking about the centre of Glasgow are commuters from Ayr or Paisley. And as for ‘oh, yes, I went there!’ – what, a debate that every other thick pleb has brought up at some point? Well fucking done.

‘ShutYerGob, you are so right. Glasgow is so simliar to England in its total rubbishness that it is the only place in Great Scotland that still wants to be part of miserable, oppressive England. This is clearly a result of the evolutionary dead-end that these ‘weegies’ have followed, leaving them with an inferior intellect and very poor grasp of what we humans call language.’
Mikalos Furios, God’s Country

Well, Govan has an SNP MSP and Glasgow East has an SNP MP. Let’s have a look at the rest of Scotland, shall we? Edinburgh? Hmm, it’s represented by a fully Unionist set of MPs and only two SNP MSPs – the rest are also Unionist. The constituencies in the Borders? Every MP is Unionist. Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire? Their Scottish Parliament constituencies are half SNP and half Unionist. In fact, Glasgow has one of the few constituencies in Scotland with an SNP MP. So what the fuck are you babbling about? Your superlative intellect and grasp of language really haven’t come into play when attempting to understand politics. It’s best not to insult people’s intellects when you don’t have a clue about what goes on outside ‘God’s Country’ (presumably just ‘Fantasy Land’).

‘I agree with Steve that Nick Griffin has managed to take the heat off the deceitful, greedy politicians at Westminster, but what is going to happen when they realise that he also leads the only party that has been out on the streets asking people what they want changed in this country instead of sitting in a middle-class ivory tower just deciding what might look good in the press? No wonder support for his party is growing while the other parties stagnate.’
Bananabananabanana, Thrusk

Perhaps his party is going out and asking people what they want. However, I think it’s obvious to anyone with a scrap of intelligence that the BNP aren’t going to be interested in any answers which aren’t ’send the bastards home!’.

Graffiti Mondays No. 17

Union Street

I believe this says:

‘I LUV U
MARTIN WEST
TILL DEATH DO WE PART
PLEASE DONT HURT ME OR PLEASE
DONT LEAVE ME I WILL NEVER
EVER LEAVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT
SO PROMISE [squiggle] I LOVE U’

with a fucking scary picture of a watchful eye.