Turd Lines

I saw the video to Robin Thicke’s catchy yet vaguely irritating song Blurred Lines today and it gave me the boak so much that I almost called in misogynised to work. Then I read this Vice article and, halfway through nodding in rare agreement with a Vice article, realised that the author was talking about an even creepier version of the video that I saw. Grim.

A charmless fud, 2013

A charmless fud, 2013


 

So what do we have here? A power dynamic displayed by smug, fully-clothed men surrounded by silent, gyrating, naked women. The aforementioned fully-clothed men pointing, staring at and following the naked women. Desperate hashtags all over the screen screaming ‘TALK ABOUT ME! PLEASE TALK ABOUT ME!’.Hmmm. Yes. So far, so standard-misogyny. He probably thinks he’s ‘edgy’.

After much side-eyeing of the video I thought, ‘this song is somehow really popular. Maybe the lyrics aren’t so terrible?’

Let’s have a look, shall we?

‘But you’re an animal, baby it’s in your nature’

And now all of the awkward, cringey attempts at sexiness make sense: this man is secretly Austin Powers.

‘Just let me liberate you’

Stand down, feminism! Robin Thicke and his roving posse of shuddertacular men are here! Here to liberate women! Liberate them straight onto their cocks, no doubt.

‘I know you want it

I know you want it

I know you want it’

Ah, the familiar cry of the sinister perv following women down the street. I bet the rest of them are gutted that they didn’t think to turn their rantings into a number one pop hit.

‘You the hottest bitch in this place

I feel so lucky’

I don’t.

‘You wanna hug me

Hey hey hey

What rhymes with hug me?’

What DOES rhyme with ‘hug me’? ‘Bug me’? ‘Fugly’? Yes, these words come to mind.

‘I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two’

I DON’T WANT THAT.

… so that’s the point at which I completely lost my shit. This song is at number one in the charts! The thought of people up and down the country merrily bobbing their heads and singing about ripping a woman’s arse in two hurts my brain.

‘But I’m a nice guy

Nice Guy, n. a man who attempts to seduce a woman by alluding to ripping her arse in twain with his cock

‘Do it like it hurt, it hurt

What you doing like word’

Now that’s just gibberish, Mr Thicke.

Carsyn Baylee

'Thanks for ruining my chances of a career in academia, guys!'

The General Registrar for Scotland have released the list of baby names from 2011. I have navigated around and between the mangled attempts at Gaelic names to bring you the best of the Adults of Tomorrow.

Welcome to the world:

Annalyze, Atlas, Awesome, Bee, Boo-Tiger, Camdyn, Candy, Capitolina, Cee-Jai, Ceilidh, Chrystal, Clinty, Coast, Colt, Cosmos, Cruise, Crusoe, D’arcie, Dallas, Darcee, Darn, Decklyn, Delight, Denver, Destiny, Diesel, Diesel-Joe, Divine, Drake, Dre, Eden, Eternity, Faith-Serenity, Forrest, Fox, Fynnlea, Griffin, Harmoney, Honey, Jaxx, Jersey, Jesuslovesme, Jewell, Juniper, Junior, Kaidance, Kajole, Karsyn, Kassidee, Kelvyn, Kennzie, Knox, Krystle, Laird, Legion, Lilly (a boy), Makenzi, Mama, Man, Marvelous, Maverick, Meadow, Minerva, Nirvana, Occeanna-Lake, Orly, Pixie, Phoenix, Porter, Preacher, Process, Pyper, Red, Reed, Reef, Riverz, Rocky, Rogue, Sapphire, Shantell, Starlit, Storm, Tailor, Talon, Trigg, Vanille, Venus, Willieboy, Wolfie, Wren and You.

May you be taken seriously at all times.